You Know Nothing

Spare me the lies of your banalities

Of what she wanted for me

 

For you know nothing

Of her true heart and soul.

 

Let the lying views you need of her

Caused by your shared DNA

Be your own.

 

You know not what I have come to know,

To realize in the finality of her death,

What is true–

That I was always second best

Since she could not find better,

Nothing more than a blanket

Providing warmth

Against the coldness of loneliness,

And my love for her,

But a crutch to prop up a limping ego.

 

Stop telling me the lies

You must tell yourself

Of her wants and desires

For me in this time after

Of finding love and life

And living again.

 

You know nothing of what it means

To live as if dead for six long years.

Your heart and soul pinned

On the kindness of a word or gesture

So rarely if ever given.

 

You know nothing of what it means

To sacrifice your own needs

For over thirteen years

On the altar of an ego bruised and battered

By one who never loved her

And then by the ravages of her cancer.

 

You know nothing of what it means

To listen for days to rasping breathing,

Dosing with morphine

And being cursed when another request

For enough to end it all is denied,

And all the while,

Praying you are keeping her out of pain.

 

You know nothing

Of what it is to chide and scold yourself

For your own selfish desire

For her to wake and say

You are loved and always were.

 

You know nothing

And never will.

 

So do not say what she wanted for me.

You do not know.

And it would be a cruelty for you to hear

That what she truly wanted

Was that I become a monument

To her ego.

 

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